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bleedinrapid

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And that's that... Aug. 6th, 2009 @ 01:50 am
Early Friday morning my mother passed away. Very slowly. I was with her and it was an extremely strange experience. Though not half as strange as the speed at which funerals move in Ireland, she was buried on Saturday at noon. The priest ranted at the congregation about the 'arrogance' of not believing their particular brand of bullshit. Made me very angry, my uncle walked out of the funeral 10 minutes in, I don't blame him.

Slowly attempting to return to normality, I get quite confused as to which house I'm in when half asleep. Hopefully this will fade in time.

The whole thing hardly seems real, especially now I'm back in the UK.

I got homesick for Yorkshire while in the house I grew up in in Ireland. Very odd.

Back in Ireland again... Jul. 24th, 2009 @ 07:09 pm
...and a lot sooner than I thought. Hrmm, this has become my intermittent "Mum's cancer blog" hasn't it. I suppose it's because I know there's at least one person who reads this who understands, *waves*. So, back in Ireland again, the sister's gone to get away for a weekend and my mum now needs 24 hour care, so over I come. She is visibly a lot worse than she was just 2 weeks ago. She's starting to be more incoherent, she can no longer manage the stairs, meds or food alone.

I talked to a couple of nurses today on their way through, the general consensus is that she only has about 3 weeks left in her. Honestly I'd be surprised if she makes it that far, her eyes have gone yellow and each day she's less lucid and able to remain awake for any period of time, also incoherent antagonism is starting to creep in. My sister was talking about quitting her job to be a full time carer, but at that kind of timescale there's probably no need. I can't do that, I'm going to go back home on Monday and wait till things start to kick off and come back to help out in the last week or so, assuming things continue steadily getting worse and don't just suddenly collapse. The fact that my sister barely talks to me makes things extra complicated. Joy.

This may be a bad time for making snap decisions. I may have bought a car on Tuesday in an absolute panic. The pug was not suitable for multiple long drives over and back to Ireland and I'd be stranded without a car here. It turns out me in a panic manifests as me very calmly making slightly mad decisions. Still, freaking out about whether I can actually afford it is a *thoroughly* excellent distraction from my mother, and for that I am grateful to my madness. Distraction is good right now.

Jul. 18th, 2009 @ 01:25 am
I seem to be having passing failure again, proper full on comments-in-the-street getting read. Once again I wish I knew what it was that's actually doing it. I haven't a clue. Well, I have many clues, I just don't know which are real and which are neurosis.

Mother. Cancer. Worse. Jun. 30th, 2009 @ 12:14 am
So. They've cancelled chemo, put her in palliative care and told her that Now is the time for wayward ukian children to come home. I'm heading over on Friday. I have now idea if I have days, weeks or months before she goes.

Promotion Win Jan. 25th, 2009 @ 04:00 pm
I am now officially management. Cripes, get me with the responsibility. Well, if you will work towards something, it sometimes goes and happens :D. I've been pretty much doing the job for quite a while now, but it's still quite a weighty feeling to get the actual promotion. A good yet scary feeling.
Other entries
» bleedinrapid
So, apart from inciting a polo riot over on transgeek this week is also the 5th anniversary of my great leaky artery adventure. I only wish I could have been there to see the faces on the guys who picked up the bloody matress, kate's description was quite amusing. It feels like both just last week and a whole lifetime ago. It's only with hindsight that I realise how fucked up that whole thing was. I don't get flashbacks anymore, so that's something.
» Missing the point?
I'm... a wee bit unsure. The group PHP Women had a stall at a conference I was at recently, and, shall we say, 'family' were well represented. That really put me off, that and the weirdly fascistic motto "strength through unity".

Here's the thing, I wasn't dissuaded from playing with computers, programming and technical subjects when I was growing up. I didn't face any social issues, or feel any frowning from peers when I chose programming as a career path. I didn't face any issues, walls, or hurdles early in my career when I was finding my feet and working out if this was what I wanted from a job. I transitioned confident in my abilities, such as they are.

Yes, I have run into sexism and disbelief in my ability to do the job post transition, I have faced those down with the respect those opinions deserve (none), amusement and letting my work speak for itself. I have never had sexist questioning of my ability to do my job more than once from any one person. Okay, there was one guy, but he was a fool, and dealt with.

Point being, I was already at the top of the hill when I began to have trouble with folk trying to say I shouldn't be up there. Most women have the problem of being told that they shouldn't, or can't get up the hill in the first place, not necessarily overtly, but the message is there. Our experiences are different, the issues we face are perceived differently.

We can help, and be a part of, but I don't think we can represent women in male dominated spaces such as technology. We have our own arguments to win, unique to us, and while those go on we may in fact undermine the perceived position of women in technology.

Our entry into the mindspace of being part of the techie community, for the most part, will be taken for granted as we got in before anyone would have looked at us sideways for doing so. That's both a good and bad thing in context. We can say "hey look, it's okay to be here", but we can't be dishonest about why we found entry easy.

I've seen our lot in groups many times, and it's rarely pretty. We have a tendency, as a whole, to be have "being accepted as 100% the same" as the number one agenda, to the exclusion of all others. We don't often like to admit that our experiences getting to where we are do make us different. It quite quickly becomes the elephant and woe to anyone who dares to point it out. Bear in mind how exponentially dumb people are as group size increases.

No conclusion, just a lot of half thoughts and worries. I was, as I said, put off.
» In the Dublin for a (5 day) week
Starting on Monday. Yay, impromptu holiday trip.
» Two weeks holiday and no idea what to do with it.
I've taken two weeks off work as I haven't done so in about a year and have been cracking up a little. Thing is I've never taken a chunk of time off like this with no actual holiday planned. Anyone have any ideas or suggestions? Quests? :D

At this point the thing I feel is most likely to happen is spending two weeks discovering what a non broken implementation of javascript will do. Shiny shiny V8.

I'm half thinking of doing here in the UK what I've done in Ireland, head off randomly and see where I end up. But I always had company and at least a rough idea of what was out there. A whole load of mystery is out there for me on this island. Perhaps going on driveabout would be good for me.
» gender bending ultra geekery, oh yes
http://www.dsfanboy.com/photos/cosplaying-link-duo/

I want one... Maybe both....



Am I old enough to make that a creepy comment these days?
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